Unstable 2019
Just look at the title, you can guess what my whole year might be about.
You're right. 2019 is a totally unstable year for me, in terms of everything - love, emotion, work, and even family.
I'm writing this blog at midnight again, and tomorrow is Monday, which means I should go to bed and have an eight-hour sleep, but I choose to write this instead. It has been nearly a year since I posted something here. I feel like I'm getting lazier and lazier. I don't feel like I need to express my feeling anymore. Keeping it to myself is much better.
This year is such a game-changer for me. I am, finally, a fresh graduate. I've got my very first fulltime job. Then I've got a new boyfriend. Things started when I left my university, where I thought it would be a prison, but life has proved that I was so wrong about that, because the life of an adult is much more like hell.
Why do I use the word "unstable" to describe everything?
First thing first, I have a huge change in my emotions. Just a half year ago, I could not relate myself to people who are depressed. I mean, I could understand how hard it is on people, but I could never think that I would let myself be in such situation. I was so confident about my emotion control ability. I thought I could be the winner in the keeping balance competition. But now, just 6 months later, I find myself crying uncontrollably at night. I find myself getting bored with everything. I find myself getting lost in the future. I don't know what I like, what I am good at, it sounds so boring because I already mentioned this in my last post, but the thing is different now. My dad retired, which means there is more burden putting on my mother's shoulder. I graduated, and I have a job, which means I cannot take money from my parents anymore. And that means my job should be very stable, in both salary and the company's life span. But in fact, the company is on the edge of bankrupting. So now, I have to find a new job soon, in a passive way.
Now, let's talk about the most interesting part of my life in 2019 - the new boyfriend. He is my ex-leader at the company. At first, I found it was so romantic and destined when we had had connections with each other before we met at the company. People say we suit each other well. But, yeah, there is a huge but again. We fight a lot. It is very hard to say about the reasons for fighting. I'm a demanding person, while he is quite a narcissist. He thinks I'm too demanding, which is so true, but he is wrong when thinking that he cares enough about me, and he is so tired of being criticized for not taking care of me enough. I admit that he does care about me, but absolutely not enough as he thinks. He does not have the habit of saying "I love you" at the end of the day. He does not have the habit of calling me if I go home late and take a long time to text him. I feel like this is a love-hate relationship, I do love him, but actually, he makes me cry a lot. Sometimes I feel safe, but sometimes I feel insecure when I'm in this relationship.
A big failure of my 2019 is that I haven't completed any new books yet. All apologies go to me.
Goodnight, Jane!
You're right. 2019 is a totally unstable year for me, in terms of everything - love, emotion, work, and even family.
I'm writing this blog at midnight again, and tomorrow is Monday, which means I should go to bed and have an eight-hour sleep, but I choose to write this instead. It has been nearly a year since I posted something here. I feel like I'm getting lazier and lazier. I don't feel like I need to express my feeling anymore. Keeping it to myself is much better.
This year is such a game-changer for me. I am, finally, a fresh graduate. I've got my very first fulltime job. Then I've got a new boyfriend. Things started when I left my university, where I thought it would be a prison, but life has proved that I was so wrong about that, because the life of an adult is much more like hell.
Why do I use the word "unstable" to describe everything?
First thing first, I have a huge change in my emotions. Just a half year ago, I could not relate myself to people who are depressed. I mean, I could understand how hard it is on people, but I could never think that I would let myself be in such situation. I was so confident about my emotion control ability. I thought I could be the winner in the keeping balance competition. But now, just 6 months later, I find myself crying uncontrollably at night. I find myself getting bored with everything. I find myself getting lost in the future. I don't know what I like, what I am good at, it sounds so boring because I already mentioned this in my last post, but the thing is different now. My dad retired, which means there is more burden putting on my mother's shoulder. I graduated, and I have a job, which means I cannot take money from my parents anymore. And that means my job should be very stable, in both salary and the company's life span. But in fact, the company is on the edge of bankrupting. So now, I have to find a new job soon, in a passive way.
Now, let's talk about the most interesting part of my life in 2019 - the new boyfriend. He is my ex-leader at the company. At first, I found it was so romantic and destined when we had had connections with each other before we met at the company. People say we suit each other well. But, yeah, there is a huge but again. We fight a lot. It is very hard to say about the reasons for fighting. I'm a demanding person, while he is quite a narcissist. He thinks I'm too demanding, which is so true, but he is wrong when thinking that he cares enough about me, and he is so tired of being criticized for not taking care of me enough. I admit that he does care about me, but absolutely not enough as he thinks. He does not have the habit of saying "I love you" at the end of the day. He does not have the habit of calling me if I go home late and take a long time to text him. I feel like this is a love-hate relationship, I do love him, but actually, he makes me cry a lot. Sometimes I feel safe, but sometimes I feel insecure when I'm in this relationship.
A big failure of my 2019 is that I haven't completed any new books yet. All apologies go to me.
Goodnight, Jane!
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